MyPHD: What I have Learnt from my PHD Proposal Defense Failure

Assalamualaikum wbt adn a great day to all.

It is another day.

After the huge news blow about my Re-Presentation of the DRP (Defense Research Proposal) on Monday, the next day I had an outrageous urge to get the reports from the panels. Although Ariq was not fit to travel with me, I just had to bring him to the faculty to get those comments.

Btw, Ariq had an small accident when we were at CIC Suri Puteri. You can read here about it all.

I just felt bad about everything.

On Monday I cried until my eyes dried out (ok.. exaggerating. But it is how I feel!).
In my head I kept rewinding the moments on the DRP day.
I couldn't get any clue as to why I got very very bad marks?!

My proposal was not reviewed once, but 5 times by my supervisor!
My English was flawless.
I put my best at the proposal.
This is not one day's work, not even a week's work!! It was months of slaving endless hours.
This was not even my first time at writing a proposal.
Hey, I have 2 masters degree!!

But the rating is so low, I just felt dead inside!!
I can see the sky was falling on my head...
I felt useless......

I just couldn't justify why the marks were so low and yet, during presentation... there were  no questions directed to me as to indicate or reflect such marks?

What I did wrong?

I didn't have proof to say that during the DRP presentation, I can answer the questions well and the panels didn't touch in depth about the study methods but merely just general questions.

After this, I am going to document and record everything!
That is the most important lesson!!

These are videos which I recorded and compiled all the comments from the panels.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHNGk4blptU3hsYU0/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHUVhXNXZVUWduN2c/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHUGdDT2x5RDhMakU/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHSHF1OERoMWNCUWs/view?usp=sharing

If you wish to view the comments, please send me an email and I will share it with you.

On Tuesday, after Subuh prayers, I got up and started to get papers to justify with the comments.
I START BUILDING MY GAME PLAN.

yes... a PHD GAME PLAN!!

I will not let those panels crushed me. I won't let them bully me with the power they have!
NO.

I will graduate.
I will succeed.
I will show them how to handle a PHD DRP session as a professional!
I WILL SHOW THEM!

I will join the POSITIVE GROUP!

Credits: Thx to my brother @amz_bst for this song. Really lifted up my spirits and made me wanna complete this PHD more.


WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS EXPERIENCE?
1. Always have a recording to rewind back what had gone wrong or right.
2. Always learn from the experiences.
3. Sometimes your colleague or friends can help build you or break you. Choose those who can lift your spirit as close friends. Those who breaks you, just smile at them and show your worth! Sometimes people don't even know how to handle you even though they are your BFF. They might be muttering about how happy their life is or how they are the only one busy in the world or their kids are the most clever of all. Sometimes consoling you is merely just 1 sentence enough for them. Smile and forgive them. They are just lacking, somewhere.
4. Give some time to grief. Yes... You need to grief. But after that put a STOP at GRIEF and START your new PLANS. Because grieving won't get you anywhere.
5. Discuss your plans with your supervisors. They might have different opinions, but they are still the one you will work with for the entire PHD timeline.
6. Go and face the panels personally. Bring a recorder. This is to ensure that what they say will be included in the next draft of proposal and for you not to REDEFEND over again.
7. Take a deep breath and REMEMBER ALLAH LOVES YOU. He is testing your LOVE TOWARDS HIM and ask you to be CLOSER to HIM.


I browsed in YouTube all the Defense Proposal Sessions available locally and internationally.
This is the one that sums up what we should know before the DRP. MasyaAllah.... this is how a professional scholars should do and I should have found this before my first DRP.

I had done these. I meant a few tips I got from my supervisor... Subhanallah... Despite doing all of those, it didn't work for my panels. I told them a story but they didn't buy it. The slides I built using Prezi (yes.. I studied by myslef on how to use this. No comments on the slides though) was new to me but it doesn't matter at all. Hey, I even printed colors my slides!! I was prepared for the presentation, but was not prepared to get marks that made me question why do  bother doing this study after all.

Maybe after this I just give them notes and boring... boring notes *yawn*.

This shows that the panels here are very hard to please and they don't necessarily have an aligned thought with the supervisors. In other words, they don't trust the supervisors judgement that the fundamentals of the research done by the students are sufficient and panels in Malaysia can dictate the flow of the study, what to study, how to do it, what we should and should do! Amazing, right?? Panels can overpower the supervisors!

ONLY IN MALAYSIA!

All in all... please pray for me for my next proposal defense. 

Most important of all, pray that I have the heart to do this.
I am broken somewhere inside. 

Only time heals. 

But I do promise... I will suck it up and deliver.
I vow that I will be professional in delivering criticism.
I will motivate people to be the best at what they are best at!