It is 9.15pm and I am still in the lab, printing some resources that I will study for tomorrow. I have a tight deadline. In a week time I have to rewrite the proposal I have been painstakingly completed last month.
I have compiled all the panels comments.
What's next??
Jeng jeng jeng.. I will tell you after the ReDefense of my Research Proposal.
A title and approach change maybe?
I am just tired...
I hope all of these will be over and I can do my research the way I want to do it... slowly but surely.
A sneak preview of what's going on up until now....
Assalamualaikum wbt and a great day to all readers.
I was going to do this entry last Monday. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, I delayed it all.
It all happened last Saturday.
I was suppose to go to my Mengaji class. It was last minute cancelled and rescheduled to Sunday. So I used the morning to qadha my sleep (I now... not good. But I am early everyday!). It was a lazy day for all of us. My soulmate was early enough to go to Proton Service Centre to service our Exora. He was suppose to come back before 11. However, the major service required more time than he anticipated. I made breakfast at 9.30 or so... and was happy playing with my three kids.
At 11.30 am, Aimy was scheduled to get her report card discussed. As Mr. Soulmate were going to be late, I just took the three kids and drove the old Iswara (we do love Proton cars, right??) to CIC Suri Puteri in Section 20.
Alhamdulillah, Aimy's academic performances really amazed me. At 4 years old she obtained an 82% overall and second in 4-years class. As the discussion progressed, suddenly by surprised, Mr. Soulmate came. As we reviewed the related papers, Ariq had ran into the glass wall. He didn't cry what so ever. Then he continued playing with the others.
I was signing the report card and suddenly I heard Ariq screaming and crying very loud!
I saw my husband was holding Ariq's right feet.
I saw blood everywhere.
I panicked but I didn't show it.
I reach my handbag and took some tissue papers. I start cleaning the blood from the big thumb. I saw what was causing the bleed. The nails were broken. It must have been so painful for Ariq, I can't imagine. Aimy's teacher rushed with a first aid kit, I immediately ask for a handyplast. Mr. Soulmate started to wrap the handyplast on the wound and we took off. I was thinking "Emergency- DEMC".
So we head to the DEMC counter and I told the counter personnel, "This is an emergency". She requested me to fill in the form and waited until they called my number.
Do they know what is an EMERGENCY??
The good thing is, I didn't have to pay extra for that. Ariq has stop crying. He seemed okay.
Then after more than half an hour, we met with Dr. Rao and he requested a bed for Ariq (See! I told you it was an EMERGENCY!!). Then he asked the nurse to treat the wounds and a specialist to advise on this matter. Dr. Ezzam was the specialist on duty and he told us his plan.
He advised us to remove the nails as it can cause an infection if not removed.
In order to remove the nails, general anesthetics must be used. This is because he is still a small baby and he will not endure the pain from the procedure. Even local anesthetics can impose a great amount of pain for children less than 10 years of age.
Therefore, Ariq must be warded.
As we are paying cash and not by any insurance, Dr. Ezzam proposed that after the procedure Ariq can go home and come back next week.
I can see Mr. Soulmate's face of disbelief. He couldn't accept the fact that only because of a nail, Ariq is warded and will cost more than it was suppose to cost (I don't now how much was in his mind).
Wow.. the room was even cozier than my room at Hospital Putrajaya when Ariq was borned!
See Ariq's happy face?
After a while, my Papa came to visit. Then all my siblings and their wives and kids. The room was filled with laughter and happiness, even though Ariq was going for surgery after Asar.
Just as scheduled, we received a phone call and Ariq was prepared for surgery.
I was the one holding him to the Operation Theatre (OT).
I was the one holding him when they doz him with anesthetics.
He was crying from the door outside the OT until the anesthetics took effects.
After that he was lifeless.
I felt sad.....
After the procedure, they revived him using oxygen. After oxygen didn't do the work, they pad him gently and Ariq (being Ariq) screamed to the max!!
We checked out at 7.30pm and Mama & Papa become nurses once again.
Mama had not been doing her PHD work for three days... adeh!
Yesterday (Wednesday) Dr. Ezzam said Ariq healing is inline. Alhamdulillah.
This was the most expensive nail "treatment" ever!! haha....
After the huge news blow about my Re-Presentation of the DRP (Defense Research Proposal) on Monday, the next day I had an outrageous urge to get the reports from the panels. Although Ariq was not fit to travel with me, I just had to bring him to the faculty to get those comments.
On Monday I cried until my eyes dried out (ok.. exaggerating. But it is how I feel!).
In my head I kept rewinding the moments on the DRP day.
I couldn't get any clue as to why I got very very bad marks?!
My proposal was not reviewed once, but 5 times by my supervisor!
My English was flawless.
I put my best at the proposal.
This is not one day's work, not even a week's work!! It was months of slaving endless hours.
This was not even my first time at writing a proposal.
Hey, I have 2 masters degree!!
But the rating is so low, I just felt dead inside!!
I can see the sky was falling on my head...
I felt useless......
I just couldn't justify why the marks were so low and yet, during presentation... there were no questions directed to me as to indicate or reflect such marks?
What I did wrong?
I didn't have proof to say that during the DRP presentation, I can answer the questions well and the panels didn't touch in depth about the study methods but merely just general questions.
After this, I am going to document and record everything!
That is the most important lesson!!
These are videos which I recorded and compiled all the comments from the panels.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHNGk4blptU3hsYU0/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHUVhXNXZVUWduN2c/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHUGdDT2x5RDhMakU/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B55KYHqnK1gHSHF1OERoMWNCUWs/view?usp=sharing
If you wish to view the comments, please send me an email and I will share it with you.
On Tuesday, after Subuh prayers, I got up and started to get papers to justify with the comments.
I START BUILDING MY GAME PLAN.
yes... a PHD GAME PLAN!!
I will not let those panels crushed me. I won't let them bully me with the power they have!
NO.
I will graduate.
I will succeed.
I will show them how to handle a PHD DRP session as a professional!
I WILL SHOW THEM!
I will join the POSITIVE GROUP!
Credits: Thx to my brother @amz_bst for this song. Really lifted up my spirits and made me wanna complete this PHD more.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS EXPERIENCE?
1. Always have a recording to rewind back what had gone wrong or right.
2. Always learn from the experiences.
3. Sometimes your colleague or friends can help build you or break you. Choose those who can lift your spirit as close friends. Those who breaks you, just smile at them and show your worth! Sometimes people don't even know how to handle you even though they are your BFF. They might be muttering about how happy their life is or how they are the only one busy in the world or their kids are the most clever of all. Sometimes consoling you is merely just 1 sentence enough for them. Smile and forgive them. They are just lacking, somewhere.
4. Give some time to grief. Yes... You need to grief. But after that put a STOP at GRIEF and START your new PLANS. Because grieving won't get you anywhere.
5. Discuss your plans with your supervisors. They might have different opinions, but they are still the one you will work with for the entire PHD timeline.
6. Go and face the panels personally. Bring a recorder. This is to ensure that what they say will be included in the next draft of proposal and for you not to REDEFEND over again.
7. Take a deep breath and REMEMBER ALLAH LOVES YOU. He is testing your LOVE TOWARDS HIM and ask you to be CLOSER to HIM.
I browsed in YouTube all the Defense Proposal Sessions available locally and internationally.
This is the one that sums up what we should know before the DRP. MasyaAllah.... this is how a professional scholars should do and I should have found this before my first DRP.
I had done these. I meant a few tips I got from my supervisor... Subhanallah... Despite doing all of those, it didn't work for my panels. I told them a story but they didn't buy it. The slides I built using Prezi (yes.. I studied by myslef on how to use this. No comments on the slides though) was new to me but it doesn't matter at all. Hey, I even printed colors my slides!! I was prepared for the presentation, but was not prepared to get marks that made me question why do bother doing this study after all.
Maybe after this I just give them notes and boring... boring notes *yawn*.
This shows that the panels here are very hard to please and they don't necessarily have an aligned thought with the supervisors. In other words, they don't trust the supervisors judgement that the fundamentals of the research done by the students are sufficient and panels in Malaysia can dictate the flow of the study, what to study, how to do it, what we should and should do! Amazing, right?? Panels can overpower the supervisors!
ONLY IN MALAYSIA!
All in all... please pray for me for my next proposal defense.
Most important of all, pray that I have the heart to do this.
I am broken somewhere inside.
Only time heals.
But I do promise... I will suck it up and deliver.
I vow that I will be professional in delivering criticism.
I will motivate people to be the best at what they are best at!
It has been couple of weeks I completed my DRP or Defense Research Proposal. Alhamdulillah I managed to submit my proposal which I have been slaving to do since I started my PHD.
Yes.. it is a bumpy ride.
With Alif as a special kid and another 2 kids seeking for attention, it was not easy. I have to divide and manage my time very well.
Sometimes I envy my friends who are single and have the time only for themselves. I also envy some of them who are cool as ice without having to think about schools, therapies, what to cook for dinner, what time should I fetch my kids from school today, etc.
Even though I have planned everything. Sometimes it just don't go as how you planned.
I got a great supervisor.
I even got myself a co-supervisor from the States.
I read the papers I cite.
I slaved myself until sometimes I felt like endless nights to prepare the proposal.
I even study how to create great presentations using prezi.
Today I found out that despite all my efforts... I failed.
Although I really understand what to do and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.... I failed.
And I hated that feeling.
Not because of failing.
But because I have put all effort to just to FAIL!
Do I feel better if I didn't put all efforts?? I don't know.
Do I feel better if I was not prepared and failed?? I also don't know
I know..... I sounded like a LOSER.
Coz I have seen worse presentations and they still made it.
Ok.. just suck it and deliver.
If only it is as easy as that....
Maybe Allah has better plans for me.
He does work.in mysterious ways. That I know.....
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